Mindful Musings
Soffer & Associates Blog
Consider a scenario where a teenage boy comes home from school, slams down his backpack and takes off his shoes before throwing them on the floor. His face has a deep frown and he avoids eye contact. When his father asks what is wrong, the boy’s eyes fill with tears and responds, “I’m a failure.” When his father asks follow-up questions, the boy unzips his backpack and pulls out a crumpled-up piece of paper – a math quiz, with the grade of ‘B’ written in the top right corner. “I made a stupid mistake. I’m so dumb.” The boy sits down at the table and puts his face in his hands. “I will never make it into a good college with these grades.” In another circumstance, a tween girl has been offered placement into the honors science class at her school. When her mother congratulates her, the girl says matter-of-factly, “I’m not going to do it.” Her mother, flabbergasted and wanting every opportunity for her daughter asks, “What do you mean? You’ve worked so hard in science and now it’s being recognized by your teachers.” The girl shrugs and says, “It’s too hard. I like getting good grades and I’m worried I won’t get an A.” Despite much persistence from the mother, the girl continues to refuse to join the honors science class. Do either of these situations sound familiar? Both accounts exemplify a tendency that arises in many school-aged children: perfectionism. As we approach a new school year, it is helpful for parents to know how to identify and intervene with perfectionist tendencies within the context of school. What is perfectionism and why is it problematic? Perfectionism is characterized by an extreme fear of failure and having unrealistic expectations of oneself and others. Oftentimes, perfectionism is considered a positive attribute, particularly within the context of our achievement-focused culture. Indeed, perfectionism does have some advantages, as it can motivate one to work hard and strive for accomplishment. However, it can become problematic and clinically significant when it causes considerable distress or interferes with daily life. Striving for perfectionism can be a means to avoid shame. Children (and adults) with perfectionistic tendencies often work to achieve their best results, but with a deep sense of dissatisfaction because they are driven by the desire to avoid being seen as a failure. Perfectionism can lead to unhelpful thought patterns, such as:
How to approach perfectionism as a parent. The goal for parents is to help their children become more flexible and less rigid in their thinking, and to support them in having more compassion for themselves and others. Parents have multiple tools they can use to help their children move away from perfectionism:
Overall, when children embrace more flexible thinking and aim for a middle ground, they can strive for achievement and have a more balanced approach to schoolwork and other activities. Going into the new school year, this insight is an important element to keep in mind! By Janine Weisenbeck, LMSW, JD. Photo credit: fizkes Reposted with permission from WEForum |
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September 2024
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